I ran into 2 people recently, one divorced and in her late 40’s, and one in her mid 30’s, and never been married. Both women are very successful, own their own homes, make good money and know how to take care of themselves. Both women say that they would like to be in relationship, and are not sure quite how to do it. They are not sure who to talk to about their dilemma as most of their friends are in similar situations.
There are not that many people who are willing or able to sit down with you and talk some objective truth about what they see happening. Thus, most of us keep repeating the same scenarios relationship after relationship, year after year.
The good news is that there are tools you could use, points of view that you could consider that would bring about different results. It’s not as hard as you might think. There is no need to have to unwind your past, your whole life, to get to that one moment where you think it might have gone wrong. Like how traumatic it was when you were in third grade and didn’t get asked to dance at the school dance. It’s not all pre-determined, fated to be so.
You can, in fact, start from the point of view that it’s all good now and from good you can get to better.
Here are 4 things that you could do today to start having more fun in your relationships:
1. Be Nice: When you have a choice of how to respond, think before you speak. Often times, out of habit, we lash out with a critical remark, or offer a way of doing it better. Why not consider that what the other person has to say, even though it might not be your first thought, is of value and could be even better than what you would have offered.
2. Consider that things are good just the way they are: We are so quick to think that we are wrong, that the people closest to us are wrong, or not doing it right. That kind of negative thinking is habitual takes a toll on us and the people around us. The men around us like to feel like they are winners, in life and with you. Give them something to win about. Why not consider that you have a great life, and blame the guys your closest to for that instead of beating him up for what he has done wrong.
3. Let someone do something for you: These days, women have become accustomed to doing for themselves. We can lift, carry, make our own money, pay for what we want and then some. We are a culture of high-powered, successful women who don’t rely on having a relationship to exist. As a result, we shy away from asking for help or assistance from anyone. We are more into producing than receiving. Starting today, we can soften up and let people do things for us. Take pleasure in allowing someone in close enough to notice what we want, and then get if for us. Or, ask for what you want and give them the satisfaction and gratification of providing it for you. I know this may be challenging; what if they don’t do it the same way we do, or do it too slowly, or ass backwards. Take a deep breath and let it in. So what if it’s not exactly how you would do it. Take a chance and see what happens.
4. Start up noises: If, when the guy you have asked to do something for you, starts to doubt his abilities, or complains about having to do it, don’t despair. Know that this is just the sound of his motor cranking up, and not a “no” to what you want. Please don’t give up on him, or get angry. Often we use these start up noises as validation of how incompetent or unwilling he is and we retract our request or get mad. Game over. Instead, you could simply listen to him, or tell him that you know he can do it. After all, no guts, no glory. You could give him an opportunity to be your hero, against all odds. Sometimes his complaining is really bragging in disguise.
Give these a try and let me know how it goes for you. I would love to hear back from you.